I...am blessed?

I am blessed…and I don’t understand it. Tremendously blessed. Unbelievably blessed. Remarkably blessed. Disturbingly blessed. Sickeningly blessed. Do I deserve it? The question makes me ill for I know the answer. Not in the slightest. Not in the least. I am broken. I am pained. I am sinful. I am strained. I am prideful. I am lustful. I am greedy. I am stingy. I am boastful. I am weak. I am stubborn, and yet….I am blessed.

Why?! How can this be? It must be mistaken. It has to be blessings misplaced. Despite what I’m told, it can’t be just grace. I have children, a wife. I have cars and a home. I have a job, friends, and success in tough times. When others struggle, I await a bonus. When others worry about losing everything, I complain about my extra car having trouble. I see businesses closing and yet I can sell. I see children unhealthy and marriages fail. Mine thrive. Every day I wait in anticipation for a realization of this grave mistake. It can’t be meant for me. When will it end? When will the charade be over and the laughter at my expense begin. I prepare myself for the correction.

If these blessings are indeed meant for me, well that’s a whole other problem. How do you expect me to handle such gifts!? I don’t deserve it! I am broken! I am pained! I am sinful! I am strained! I am prideful! I am lustful! I am greedy! I am stingy! I am boastful! I am weak! I am stubborn! I am…Forgiven. I am Thankful. I am Blessed.